Let’s be honest here…  There are very few things in this life that I am truly good at…

Catching flying objects thrown across large spaces with my mouth is one of them… I’m also really awesome at falling down… I even fell down at the Garth Brooks concert last week and thought I broke my knee. I didn’t! But man was that an awesome fall!

So I wanted to celebrate the many things that I’m not good at here today! #nojudgement

I am 32 years old. I moved out of my parent’s house and went to college when I was 18. At 19, I ditched college dorm life and got my first apartment and my first real job. I bought my first (and current) house when I was 23. The lay person might think that I would have gotten the whole “adulting” thing down by now.

But they would be sorely mistaken. There is still a laundry list of things that as an adult I still haven’t quite mastered, or just plain don’t like to do! Try as hard as I may, I just think there are things that I will never develop a taste or liking for:

Laundry

While this is something that we have more recently become a little better at, it is still something we struggle greatly with. We used to live in a 100+ year old duplex in one of the coolest older neighborhoods of Columbus, called Clintonville. The house had the original wood floors that were beautiful, and very slippery. (Where I also fell down – In fact, 9 years later I still have a dent in my right butt cheek where I hit the staircase in the fall!)

Our bedroom was on the 2nd floor at the front of the house down a long hallway, but our washer and dryer were in the basement in the back of the house. On laundry day, which only came but maybe once a month (we had enough socks and underwear to last us a month!) we would take our clothes hampers and dump them in the upstairs hallway. Then we would start at the end of the hallway, bend down in the downward dog yoga position, we would form a plow with our hands and shove the clothes down the hall. Then we would ride the mounds of clothes down the two flights of stairs, then sort it into piles on the floor in the basement.

Downward Dog Laundry

This is where it usually stayed until we got dressed in the basement, but then took our clothes off in our bedrooms, then the whole cycle started over again. Why were we not smart enough to just do all of our clothes-changing in the basement?! I have no idea. Work smarter, not harder, I always say… Well now I say that… I didn’t then…

Small talk

This is why I hate* talking on the phone. I get nagged from various members of my family and friends all the time for not calling.

*I still love talking to friends and family I haven’t heard from in ages! Those people will just have to deal with my awkwardness.

But I am sort of socially awkward anyway, I get this sort of anxiety where I get mords wixed up and I always forget the names of things, I can’t hear what people are saying, so I misunderstand things half the time! My dogs always start barking or I have to pee as soon as someone starts their 20 minute-long story…

My sisters and my mom don’t fall into this category. I’ll pee on the phone with them all day long. Well not ON the phone… you get what I mean.

So you can imagine talking to strangers is especially painful. I don’t ever have anything terribly exciting to talk about and it just ends up with me doing a horrible impression of a normal human who is capable of small talk – I say one thing, but mean another!

I blame the saying-one-thing-meaning-another thing partly on my mother. She once told a chaplain who had a visitor knocking on his office window: “You’ve got a little pecker on your window!”

Bless her heart…

I generally pick take-out restaurants solely on the premise of them having online ordering capabilities so I don’t have to think of words to say to people on the phone.

Dressing myself

I don’t want to spend my mortgage payment on a purse to carry my shit, I’m just fine with my $7 Ikea messenger bag. I hate wearing shoes, so flip flops are my thing 9 months out of the year, then usually a pair of Converses or cowboy boots I can pull on and run out the door the rest of the year.

I only have 9 shirts and 2 pairs of jeans. It makes getting dressed in the morning I wear black almost every day. Because you know what… Black is no-fail and it’s freakin’ classic, unlike so many other trendy things that have come and thankfully gone over the course of my lifetime… and apparently come back again…

Steve Urkel glasses are cool again…

Hopefully there was no cheese involved…

 

Acid washed, chest-high MOM JEANS are cool again…

“Nothing says ‘I’m not a woman anymore, I’m a mom’ like MOM JEANS!”

 

Being on time

I once read an article that said being late was a sign of passive-aggressiveness. Well I think that person is wrong and likes making sweeping generalizations.

The article states:

“Until we see ourselves as valuable – self-perception – we will not recognize our value to others – other-perception. Not seeing our own value, and, by association, feeling that others do not regard us as valuable begs the question, ‘Why show up?'”

Well Freud Dude… I show up because I really do care about the thing you invited me to. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have agreed to do the thing with/for you in the first place.

Plus, I know you’re going to hold a grudge against me for the next six months if I don’t.

Sharing a 6×4 foot  one-sink-one-shower bathroom space with another human being is not easy. I have bad time management skills and I only have one speed: slow. I get all hot and sweaty if I have to marathon it out the door and then I’m grouchy and no good to anyone.

Also, texting me EIGHT THOUSAND times after I’ve already told you I’m on my way is kind of like pushing an elevator button 50 times – It’s not going to make the thing move any faster. Once is sufficient.

General home maintenance

I realize that if you take care of something, it will last twice as long. So yes, we change our air filter in our furnace, we clean the gutters (well some of them), I vacuum the carpet at least once a week… sometimes. I even sealed our driveway last summer for heaven’s sake!

I’m talking about things like pulling weeds, trimming trees and landscaping…

The flower bed that lines the front of our house when we moved in was filled with landscaping rocks, and contained three huge, ugly, overgrown bushes. I hated trimming them and there were always stray cats hiding in them when we got home from work that leapt out at our face as we were walking to the front door, which made me pee my pants.

giphy

So we spent an entire weekend trying to dig them up and chainsaw them out. Eventually had to hook them up to the bumper of a pickup truck and pull them out. Ever since, we haven’t been able to grow a damn thing in those flower beds.

Except weeds. Lots and LOTS of weeds. Oh… And these obnoxious ivy things. It’s called Houttuynia or Chameleon Plant. And it’s considered by many to be the “worst plant in the world.” Last summer, I finally just said “screw it!” and just sprayed weed and grass killer over the entire thing and bought giant planters and hanging pots. It looks TEN times better than the cat bushes, but we are clearly not landscape specialists.

We also have these weird enclosed gutters on our back porch that we can’t figure out how to access to clean. In heavy rains, our porch roof resembles Niagara Falls. I guess we’ll need some sort of extra long snaking device… I keep making plans to pay someone to come clean them because we are clearly not gutter specialists.

We have a couple dead tree/bush things our backyard that were killed by a Little Shop of Horrors poison ivy vine that snaked its way through our fence from the lot behind our house and choked the life out of them. There is a whole row of these tall evergreen tree/bush things that were planted by the Others for privacy. Now they look like crap, but they still block the view of the house behind ours which would otherwise enable the neighbors to look out their living room window right into our back yard. We’ll cut them down eventually, but we’ll have to drop a few hundred dollars on couple new tree/bush things in their place. We had an estimate from a tree guy JUST to limb our huge maple, but that dude wanted almost $700. That’s a lot of clams. We’ll get to it. But we are clearly not tree specialists.

And most of our home maintenance isn’t neglected because we’re lazy… It’s just that… Well, neither of us are Bob Vila (he’s clearly a specialist) and we don’t know how to do a lot of these things so it’s kind of like we’re just stumbling around in the dark by ourselves trying to figure out how to find the light switch without burning the house down!

bob-vila-home-improvement


COMING SOON!:

We started redoing our master bedroom in February and it has been a very long process. Because as I mentioned I have one speed: slow. We started with almost nothing.

Except poop-brown carpet, cheetah print wall border and burger-bun colored walls… If any of my Burger King friends read this… my walls were Pantone 721.

We had no mattress or bed frame, no linens, no night stands, no curtains… just a tv and a 40+ year old hand me down chest of drawers. Oh and tons of stuff still living in there in storage. So we’ve saved our birthday and Christmas money for a few years to fund our bedroom redo and we’ve been slowly acquiring the things we needed and piecing them together. We painted it a nice bright airy color. I’ve yet to decide if I love it yet. But it’s definitely an improvement from burger-bun-brown! I think the poop carpet might be detracting from the whole look.

It’s almost finished and I can’t wait to post about all the fun we had with that room. Including when we duct taped Travis’ cellphone to a broom handle that we then shoved through a hole in our ceiling to look at our inaccessible attic!

But until then… SPRING HAS SPRUNG in the Buckeye state! We’ve been sleeping with the windows open and riding Travis’ motorcycle. We did a night trip last weekend and had to embrace the cold when it dropped to 50 degrees when we stayed out too late and had to ride back to Columbus at 2:30 am! 50 doesn’t seem cold until you’re going 70 mph then it’s pretty brisk!

I can’t wait for summer!

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2 thoughts on “Things I suck at as an adult

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